Confessions Of A Broken Vampire
by charl88
Summary: Edward writes letters to Bella whilst he is away in New Moon. But he never sends them. EdwardxBella
1. October 8th

**October 8****th**

Bella,

It's been a week since I left you yet it feels like an eternity. Everyday my life becomes emptier without being able to hold you in my arms, being able to tell you how much I love you, being able to kiss your soft tender lips and being able to watch you sleep. I do love you Bella, even though I told you that I didn't. I do. So much. I just told you that to save your life. You are much better off without having me in your life. I am a danger for you to have me around. I can't risk nearly losing you again. You mean too much to me for that to happen. I never thought that I would ever have someone like you in my life. Someone that makes my life finally complete.

I always knew that vampires could fall in love, I just never expected it to happen to me. But then you came to Forks and changed my outlook. I know that I didn't give you a good impression when we first met but I had to hide that I wanted your so so badly. The smell was intoxicating to me. Drove me wild. But once I got over the addiction to have your blood I noticed you for who you were. The beautiful shy girl that wanted nothing more than her friends and family to be safe and happy.

It didn't take me long to fall in love with you, but how could you think that I would fall out of love with you? I was just trying to protect you. I hope that you are able to cope with me being gone. I couldn't bear for you to be unhappy. I never meant for this to happen. If you are unhappy then I will never be able to forgive myself for causing you pain.

God Bella, I love you so much. It's so hard for me to write this right now. I just want to be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. I wish that I could come home so that we can be together, but it would just be too dangerous for both of us at the moment. But I promise Bella, that soon we will meet again, but until then I need you to be unhappy without me. I need you to move on. Jacob seems nice enough and it seems that he has a crush on you. It pains me to say that, but it pains me more knowing that you may be hurting because of me leaving.

Please be happy Bella. It's all I've ever wanted for you, even if it means that you are happy without me. I love you Bella, always will. No matter what.

Love,

Edward


	2. November 3rd

**November 3****rd**

Bella,

It's been nearly a month since I left and it's not getting any easier. Everyday becomes a struggle. If I were able to sleep then I wouldn't get out of bed. Carlisle is apparently worried about me because I am not eating. But to be honest, I don't feel hungry. I can imagine your voice "Don't be silly Edward. You _have_ to eat". The voice is so strong, it's like you're standing right beside me.

Esme misses you. We all do in fact. Alice keeps going on about how stupid I was to leave you and that when we come back she is going to be taking you shopping, because apparently your wardrobe leaves a lot to be desired. Her words, not mine. Carlisle is thinking of visiting you to make sure that you are OK, he seems worried about you. Like I am. Jasper apologises again for what happened. Emmett misses being able to make fun of you, and Rosalie, she's being her happy usual self.

I hope that everything is going well with Charlie. I know he doesn't seem to like me but I hope that may change whenever we come back. Is he happy that I'm gone? I hope that you are still well and that you have started to get your life back on track, and try to be happy. I hope you are not mourning for me Bella. It's not healthy. You can't keep waiting until I return. I'm not sure when that will be and I can't stand the thought of you being unhappy and hurting.

I have been trying to distract myself from thinking about you, but everything seems to remind me of you. Not even baseball. It reminds me of the time that I put you in danger and nearly lost you. I can't have that happening again. I wish I could have you in my arms to keep you safe, but I can't. Maybe just seeing my stop the pain but I am not going to risk it.

As always I hope that you are happy and I am sorry for any pain that you may be going through because of me.

Love always,

Edward


	3. November 26th

**November 26****th**

Bella,

I can't do it Bella. I just can't. I can't be away from you. But I also can't come back. There is too much danger and I am not risking your life again. There is so much more about this world that you don't understand, and I wish that you never find out about it.

I'm going out of my mind not being able to see you, hold you, kiss you. I hate it Bella. I need to be around you. I never knew love could be this painful, this strong. It scares me sometimes, knowing that I am capable of loving someone like you, a human, this much. Hurts to know when you're in pain, when you're sad, when you're angry. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, make you safe. But I failed. And for that I hate myself. Hate that I am not able to protect you. You'd be better off without me I your life.

I love you more than ever Bella. Being away from you has made me realise that I love you more than I thought was possible. Please be happy. Knowing that you're happy, makes me happy.

Love Forever,

Edward


	4. December 25th

**December 25****th**

Bella,

Merry Christmas Bella. I hope you have a great day with your family. I heard Phil and Renee were coming. I hope everything works out okay with that. I wish we were able to celebrate Christmas together. I had this year's Christmas planned. I would make you breakfast in bed – your favourite, eggs. I would have then gently placed a soft kiss on your lips and wished you a Merry Christmas. Then was as you would eat breakfast. I'd then give you a present and listen as you moaned about me getting you a gift. I'd watch your face as you unwrapped the present and opened up the box it is in. It was a necklace with the letter 'E' as to remind you of me all the time. Then I'd give you another kiss and tell you I'd see you later as you had to spend the morning with your family.

But we can't do that and I'm truly sorry. Sorry that we cannot celebrate this day together. Carlisle came to check on you the other week. I told him not to but you know what he's like. He told me that you were not coping with me being gone very well. He told me that you weren't happy. He heard you crying yourself to sleep on some nights and heard you moaning in your sleep what you had done wrong that had caused me to want to leave you. Listen love, it wasn't anything you did that caused me to leave. I left because I wasn't able to protect you, I need you to understand that.

I hate what you're doing to yourself. Seriously Bell, you need to move on from this. It's not healthy to be living like this. Carlisle heard Charlie say that you were walking around like a Zombie. It scares me to hear that love. Please, please live your life how you were supposed to, not like this. Please Bells, for me.

I haven't moved on. I never will but it's becoming easier for me now. I can manage to get through some days now. You will be glad to hear that I have been eating again. I can imagine the smile on your face when you read that.

I beg of you Bella, please try and move on you. I don't want you to become hollow and empty because of me. I'm not worth it, but you are. Please Bella, please.

Love always,

Edward


	5. February 14th

**February 14****th**

Bella,

Sorry it has been so long since I wrote to you last. I have been busy. Jasper nearly attacked a human the other day and we have to seclude him and allow Carlisle to talk to him. All he kept saying was "her blood smelt so good". He's OK now luckily, Carlisle is keeping an eye on him.

Valentine's Day. I've never celebrated it. I never had that special someone to share it with. And now that I've got the chance I can't. I became a coward and I'm going to be alone. Alice told me that she had a vision of you and Jacob celebrating the day together. She said that you were much happier now and that you are beginning to turn your life back to normal. I'm glad to hear that. I didn't want you to lose your life because of me. I'm happy that you're happy once again. Jacob will treat you right, I know he will. He likes you a lot Bella. And he can make you safer than I ever could.

I'm not sure when we will be returning to Forks. Maybe we will not return permanently but I promise you that I will come and see you again my love. When I know that you have gotten over me. It will cause too much pain and hurt for you to see me again and the last thing I want is for you to be hurting because of me.

You made me the happiest man alive when you told me that you loved me. I never thought that I deserved to be loved. Didn't deserve someone like you. Not for what I had done in the past. But you chose me and I thank you for that. You don't deserve what I did to you Bella and I'm sorry for that.

I'm not sure that I will write anymore. I don't want you to be hurting receiving letters from me but not being able to see me, be with me. I hope that you will be happy again my love, safer than I ever made you. I'll never forget you and you will always be in my mind.

Love forever,

Edward


	6. Final Letter

**Final Letter – Date unknown**

She's dead. She's dead. She's dead. That's all that's going through my mind right now. She's dead. Rosalie told me that Alice saw you jumping off a cliff, and now you're dead. I can't think straight. My hands are shaking writing this. You taught me self control, and I'm writing this to stop myself from hurting something.

Dammit Bella. How could you even think about taking your own life. Were things truly that bad that you thought ending your life would make things easier? I hate myself for causing you to do this. I know it's my fault. I can't forgive myself for this. Ever. I should have never left but I was weak Bella. Afraid of what I could do to you. And if I ever hurt you the others would be disappointed and I would hate myself for it. But this is worse. I caused you to do this. Caused you to take your own life.

I want to be with you. No I _need_ to be with you. You say that I have a soul but I know that I don't. I wish we could be together now, but I'm not sure if we able to. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. Without you I am nothing. You're my life Bella. And my life is not worth living if you can't be in it.

So I have come to a decision. I am going to join you my love. If I can't be with you in life, then I will be with you in death. I'll try my love. I'll try and be with you. I am not going to tell you how, but lets just say there are not a lot of ways that vampires can kill themselves.

Love in life and death,

Edward


End file.
